Learn to work the toilet seat

1) Learn to work the toilet seat. You’re a big girl. If it’s up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don’t hear us b*tching about you leaving it down.

2) Sometimes we are not thinking about you. Live with it.

3) Saturday = sports.

4) Crying is blackmail.

5)Ask for what you want. Subtle hints do not work. Strong hints do not work. Obvious hints do not work. Just say it!

6) We don’t remember dates. Mark them on a calendar and remind us frequently.

7) Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

8) Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That’s what we do.

9) Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

10) Check your oil.

11) Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

12) If you think you’re fat, you probably are. Don’t ask us. We refuse to answer that question anymore.

13) If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

14) Let us look. It doesn’t hurt anyone, to look. And for us, it’s genetic.

15) Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

16) Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.

17) ALL men see in only 16 colours. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a colour. We have no idea what mauve is.

18) We are not mind readers and we never will be.

19) If we ask what is wrong and you say ‘nothing,’ we will believe you.

20) When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine.

21) You have enough clothes.

22) You have too many shoes.

23) It is neither in your best interest or ours to take any quiz together. No, it doesn’t matter which quiz.

24) BEER is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.

25) Thank you for reading this: Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know we really don’t mind that – it’s like camping.